I Am More Than A Fucking Incubation Chamber [And How]

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As the old jingle goes, the best part of waking up is (arguably) Folgers in your cup. Though if coffee isn’t quite your style, perhaps it’s a steaming cup of tea. Or, if you’ve an affinity for human flesh, a nice Chianti paired with some Fava Beans. At any rate, I can tell you what it’s not, and that’s being told that you’re wrong. Not in those words exactly, of course, because these people are generally well meaning if not completely misguided and brainwashed by Chauvinist America; but the message got through pretty loud and clear.

I suppose I should have known better than to bring up my plans to undergo sterilization around my stepfather- your typical red blooded, religious, Conservative family man. I more or less expected the barrage of “you might change your mind” and “you know, there are other options” and the sideways glances as if I were some sort of social pariah. At least I’m a wholesome, cisgendered, straight woman…

…oh wait…

No, the slack from my stepfather was to be expected. This was, after all, the same man who couldn’t seem to understand why I’d prefer to pursue a part time barista job as opposed to working 60 hours a week at a call center. Still, he means well. I’d already shared an obligatory rant with a friend who’s also getting the procedure done*, and had chalked it up to par for the course. I’ve heard every argument and countered with my own time and time again. But no one else needs to “get it” or approve; It’s my decision- its reasoning entirely my own business and no one else’s. End of story.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed a good majority of my friends, male and female alike, are intentionally and happily childless and even those who aren’t are still respectful of my decision. So I’ve been fortunate in that I’ve really never had to listen to some bullshit arbitrary argument from someone I’ve put aside my loathing for more or less all of humanity to associate with. Until a certain (presumably well intentioned) male friend threw this little curve ball my way bright and early this morning:

“Would meeting the right guy change any of that? Like if he’s absolutely amazing, his dick is five miles long**, and he absolutely wants kids, would you consider it?” Let that sink in. Don’t worry- I’ll wait… I stated that the “right guy” would respect my decision. “I don’t think you understand,” he tells me. “I’m not saying he’d pressure you. I just mean his life absolutely must include children, would this need to be with him tempt you into reconsidering? You perhaps wouldn’t want him to abandon his life goals, so it’s basically this or no deal” I’ll spare you the impassioned rant that followed on my part because it would easily double this post’s word count and probably get words like “premeditated” thrown around.

I’m sorry, but exactly what part of that doesn’t sound E-X-A-C-T-L-Y like pressuring me into doing something I don’t want to? How is that not the ultimate form of manipulation?! If you love me, you’ll abandon your life goals to fulfill mine. Otherwise I’ll leave you because clearly I’m the ONLY MAN that will EVER LOVE YOU IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. Never mind that there’s a good 50% chance we’ll get divorced anyway and then you’ll have given up on your hopes and dreams to play Susie Homemaker and raise my bastard child(ren).  And you think you’re struggling to support yourself now– HAH!

I know I’m beating a dead horse here, but it involves a lot less jail time than beating sense into every last asshole who actually thinks this regurgitated, sexist garbage counts as “logic”. Look– if you just absolutely have to have babies, I respect that. I will never in all my days understand the appeal of marveling at just how your toddler managed to cover every inch of their body in shit, but hey– more power to you. Seriously. And if having a family is non-negotiable, then absolutely try to find a partner who shares those aspirations. Just know that’s not me, and it’s never going to be.

I understand worrying that I may change my mind, but trying to pin me as little more useful than a walking incubator? How dare you imply that I should lie down one of my most important values to appease a man. If the situation were reversed, if he’d had a godawful neglectful mother and a slew of mental illnesses he didn’t want to pass on***, I’d never fathom of doing such a thing. In case you’ve fallen victim to this same rebuttal, let me clear up one thing for you right now. No man (or the dick attached to one) will ever be worth completely altering the course of your life and committing to something you are morally opposed to. This isn’t 1940– tell Johnny LongSchlong’s mansplaining ass that he can fuck off– him and the high and mighty horse he rode in on.

/rant

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*When we told our group therapist about our trip to Planned Parenthood, she jokingly asked if we were having a baby together, to which she replied we were not having babies— together.

**What am I even supposed to do with that much penis? Imagine how much those specially tailored pants would cost?! “Sorry kids, we can’t afford to eat tonight– Daddy needs a new pair of Dong Trousers!

***Happy Birthday, enjoy your new mood swings and debilitating anxiety!

3 Comments


  1. // Reply

    Thank you, I love this and you are absolutely correct.


    1. // Reply

      No, thank you for reading! Someone had to say it; I’m just glad it’s getting reach! <3

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