I suddenly have the urge to busy myself with literally anything other than writing this blog post.
“I haven’t counted all my change or completely reorganized my entire room lately. I could binge watch all three seasons of Hannibal* or check out that Life is Strange game. Oh, you know what’s really great?! Books. I should go to the library and just read for like, weeks straight…”
And so goes my internal monologue, on and on, et cetera ad nauseam. But I fight it. And I’m actively fighting it as I type these words. Because I promised myself I’d write a blog post today, and that once I was done, I’d reward myself by having a daiquiri on a far away tropical island. And by “having a daiquiri”, I mean “reading a book” and by “tropical island” I mean in my backyard. Since we have a privacy fence now, I can be outside without having to see other people. Sounds like paradise to me.
As I was outside figuring out a good spot to set up camp, I checked on the garden. The first few weeks, it bore nothing but a mind-numbing anticipation for something– anything– to show promise of surviving. Today I have tomato plants that nearly come up to my waist and cucumbers slowly taking over the southwest corner of the garden. Even one of the few plants that I started from seed– a bell pepper plant I accidentally uprooted when weeding** was growing and beginning to bud. There’s something to be said about holding out hope…
DBT has been simultaneously a blessing and a curse. It has both uprooted me from the understandings and way I’ve perceived the world since birth, and transplanted me to healthier growing conditions. It has completely crumbled the image I held of myself, allowing me to carve an identity of my very own for the first time in my 25 years on this earth. And that’s as terrifying as it is exhilarating…
I took this photo the other day to send to my hair stylist who had told me there was a way you could use paper bags to curl your hair?! “You were so right. A paper bag did just the trick!” I would say. And I’d laugh, and she’d laugh, and everyone else would laugh because I’m clever and hilarious and clearly not using humor as a way to disguise that I am, in every way, completely and totally overwhelmed with life right now, but doing my best to wade into these unknown waters just a little deeper…
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Wisdoms from the back of a Chipotle Bag
“Two-Minute Alchemy” By Paulo Coelho
“A legend tells of a man who used to carry water every day to his village, using two large pitchers tied on either end of a piece of wood, which he placed across his shoulders.
One of the pitchers was older than the other and was full of small cracks; every time the man came back along the path to his house, half of the water was lost.
For two years, the man made the same journey. The younger pitcher was always very proud of the way it did its work and was sure that it was up to the task for which it had been created, while the other pitcher was mortally ashamed that it could carry out only half its task, even though it knew that the cracks were the result of long years of work.
So ashamed was the old pitcher that, one day, while the man was preparing to fill it up with water from the well, it decided to speak to him.
‘I wish to apologize because, due to my age, you only manage to take home half the water you fill me with, and thus quench only half the thirst awaiting you in your house.’
The man smiled and said: ‘When we go back, be sure to take a careful look at the path.’
The pitcher did as the man asked and noticed many flowers and plants growing along one side of the path.
‘Do you see how much more beautiful nature is on your side of the road?’ the man remarked. ‘I knew you had cracks, but I decided to take advantage of them. I sowed vegetables and flowers there, and you always watered them. I’ve picked dozens of roses to decorate my house, and my children have had lettuce, cabbage, and onions to eat. If you were not the way you are, I could never have done this. We all, at some point, grow old and acquire other qualities, and these can always be turned to good advantage.'”
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**Weeding would be the generous way of putting it. It was more just haphazardly tearing up the area around the plants with a garden hoe. Not entirely effective, but fairly cathartic…