One of the core symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (and in my opinion one of the most debilitating) is a near-constant struggle with identity. Who am I? What do I stand for? Why am I here? I couldn’t tell you how many times in any given day I ask myself these types of questions. So it really came to no surprise when my therapist informed me that the root of this seemingly insurmountable obstacle towards progress I’m facing came down to one “simple” explanation.
“You don’t have a relationship with yourself.”
Immediately she launched into a game of 21 questions.
Do you like your eggs scrambled or over easy? Well Brandon usually makes them– I don’t care what Brandon does. How do you like them? Um, scrambled, I guess? I don’t know, actually. Do you like peanut butter? Yeah… Crunchy or creamy? Creamy. Why? Because crunchy is just weird? I don’t know. My insurance is still covering these sessions, right?
I was sent home with the following homework: get to know yourself. So naturally I took to the internet in search of one of those Seventeen Magazine style questionnaires. I knew I’d hit the jackpot when I found out entitled: 20 Questions to Ask Your Partner That Will Deepen Your Connection. What I presumed would be a half hour ordeal, providing a few chuckles, actually turned out to be a 3 day excursion. And in a way, it was almost enlightening. Oh gods, I really am turning into a hipster. >.< Anyway, I’ve decided to share with you all, my answers. Some are fairly introspective. Some are just silly. Some are just… you know, maybe you don’t want to read this…
I’d really urge you, hopefully captivated reader, to take some time to ask yourself these questions. Will you come to some life-changing epiphany? No, probably not. But it’s a fun way to refrain from clawing your eyes out after reading my own answers (hopefully). If you do manage to make it all the way through, first off pour yourself a glass of wine. You deserve it. Then (if you’re comfortable doing so) share some of your favorite questions, and what you came up with! This is a place for weirdos. For misfits. There’s no rules. And you don’t even have to wear pants!
Let’s do this, shall we?
Q1.) What’s something you’re glad you’ll never have to do again?
A: Be born. Seriously, I could die happy just with the knowledge that my face will never have to come anywhere near my Mom’s baby canyon ever again.
Q2.) What’s one thing you always procrastinate on? (Brandon, just now when I read this question out loud: “Wait, you’re not done yet? Didn’t you start writing this last night? What have you been doing all this time?”)
A: So uh, maybe writing… >.>
Q3.) What would you do with your life if you were suddenly awarded awarded a billion dollars. (Brandon, again just now when I read this question out loud. “Umm, probably go swimming in cats.”)
A: Yes. (And/Or start an animal rescue that covers everything from kitties to otters to goats….)
Q4.) What should a healthy relationship provide for the people in it? (Brandon: “I think I should leave and let you answer these on your own.”)
A: A tiny corner in the Universe where both parties can feel free to be completely and wholly themselves without fear and retribution or judgement.
Q5.) Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Or do we just find reasons after things happen?
A: I’ve often said that I have to believe everything happens for a reason, or else I’d have long since gone insane. My brain’s favorite hobby is drawing parallels and hunting for synchronicities. Maybe it’s the writer in me…
Q6.) Is there anything you consider absolutely unforgivable?
A: Genuine malicious intent of any nature
Q7.) If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first?
A: Sell off everything I own and buy a plane ticket to New Zealand.
Q8.) In your life, what has been the biggest blessing in disguise?
A: Feeling everything so very intensely. Yes, the bad can be terrifyingly bad, but the good can be near otherwordly. Depression can feel insurmountable, but mania makes me feel nearly unstoppable. And the best part had been realizing I’m not the only one who experiences things this way– knowing there are others out there who will read this and nod in solidarity.
Q9.) If you could pick one year of your life to do-over, which would it be and why?
A: Beginning my decline into promiscuity and drugs, a week in the psychiatric ward, a suicide attempt (over what in retrospect feels too embarrassingly insignificant to even share), the car accident that would leave me with brain damage, moving in with an abusive sociopath, and falling down a slippery slope of promiscuity and drugs. While it may have been the Year of the Rabbit, 2011 was anything but lucky. I wouldn’t mind being able to relive the year with the wisdom I’ve gained since.
Q10.) What is one behavior you never tolerate?
A: Belittling, mocking, or otherwise shooting down someone’s dreams. If someone is genuinely passionate about something (so long as that something isn’t murder or making handbags out of live raccoons or something equally fucked up) then let them have that thing. You don’t have to agree with or support it– just don’t be a dick. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a cat cafe slash book store slash indoor trampoline park to open.*
Q11.) Does spending time with other people energize you or drain you?
A: I can’t help but chuckle at this one. On one hand, I’m known to be a bit of a recluse, preferring the company of books over people. But there are certainly times when I find myself craving human connection– be it for a deep conversation, cuddles, a good laugh, or just someone who considers sitting quietly reading together as doing something. At the end of the day, it all comes down to where my head’s at, and what kind of energy I’m craving.
Q12.) If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only three words?
A: Adopt More Cats! They say there’s someone out there for everyone. It’s becoming glaringly obvious with each passing day that my “someone” may just be 47 cats. I could save myself the past decade of unsuccessful serial dating by convincing my 15 year old self that being a lint-roller welding spinster really isn’t all that bad sounding, in comparison…
Q13.) What is the one thing that makes you feel alive?
A: Adrenaline rushes. Perhaps it’s cliche to say, but things like roller coasters, rope suspension, performing in front of an audience, or even just riding my bike downhill really fast makes my heart drum against my rib cage like a jackrabbit. What better way to feel alive than for the very organ keeping you such to demand your full and undivided attention?
Q14.) What would your perfect day look like?
A: I’ll know it when it happens. I imagine Chopin, Beethoven, or similar will be playing in the background…
Q15.) Is social media bringing us closer or making everyone more isolated and alone?
A: This is one of those topics I have very conflicting emotions on. Obviously I like to believe it allows me to reach out to a greater number of people, which ultimately increases the odds that maybe one day my words and experiences can help even just a single person. On the other hand, one need only look at the any number of study or research article to see the startling amount of evidence that Facebook is the Debil, Bobby, and slowly destroying us, psychologically. Does this Clarendon filter make my id look big?
Q16.) Do you usually follow your head or your heart when making decisions? (Brandon, who just invaded my bubble again: “Do you need help answering that? Because I don’t know if it’s your heart that you’re following, but you sure don’t use your head an awful lot…”)
A: Stabbing people is illegal. Therefore I won’t.**
Q17.) When is the last time you cried?
A: The other night while watching “The Edge of Seventeen”. I was drawing a lot of parallels to my own life, and a particularly disturbing scene came on that rubbed a few still-too-fresh wounds a little raw. Then again, I also teared up like, 3 other times throughout the movie. Once because of Woody Harrelson. Gods, I’m a mess… v.v
Q18.) What is your all time favorite book?
A: I don’t generally re-read books. If I do it’s because it’s been long enough that I’ve forgotten the plot. The one book I find myself recommending more than any other though is “The Art of Racing in the Rain” by Garth Stein. In fact, I wrote a post revolving around the novel after reading it last fall. I shared it with a friend, who wound up reading the book and loving it. Score! 😀 My work here is done.
Q19.) What is something that never ends well?
A: Something that ends badly.
Q20.) What is the best way to end a long day?
A: What do you want me to say? A glass of wine and my Lelo awaiting me next to a lavnder scented bubble bath? Phfbt. Taking your bra off and throwing it across the room. That’s the best way to end a long day.
And a long blog post for that matter…
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*Best idea ever, I know!
**Look at me putting my wise mind to use