If you’re looking for a heartfelt Hallmark card post about Mother’s Day, turn back now. If you were part of this posse a year ago, you probably remember my last Mother’s Day post. With my own not only being accepting of my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, but seemingly interested and supportive of my progress in DBT, I was hopeful this year might be different. I might just buy her some flowers from work, go and see her on my next day off. What’s that expression again? Oh yeah!
Easy come, easy go.
I won’t be seeing my Mother or returning to work, both for completely unrelated reasons that I am still much to emotionally charged about to discuss without wanting to set fire to literally everything around me. Then there’s the whole underlying nightmare that is DBT and being told, in a rather cut and dried, matter of fact manner, that I have Stockholm Syndrome, and the memories that are slowly slipping through the repressive cage I shoved them in over the years as a result of my rumination on this “newfound” (or at least newly validated) knowledge. And somehow I’m able to draw connections between one thing and the next, like some kind of fucked up connect-the-dots as to why and how I’ve found myself in this inarguably scattered mess right now.
But it’s not all bad. I’ve got my youngest sister sleeping in my craft room/office/lady cave/fox den where I surround myself with all my half finished projects and things that bring joy to my life. I spent money I probably shouldn’t have to treat us to a sushi boat last night, and today she’ll hop in a kayak for the second time in 24 hours (and her life) to join us on a few hours trip down the river. So I’m choosing to focus on that- to be here now, and live in the present moment as much as my racing mind will allow.
But it is Mother’s Day after all, so here’s something I wrote two years ago that I felt summed up what I don’t have the energy to devote to saying this year, plus a little addendum I hadn’t taken into consideration previously…
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Sadly I don’t have it in my heart to call up my mother and give her the ole’ “Thanks for doing your best” Mother’s Day speech. Instead, I would like to send all my love to all you wonderful Mommies out there. And I mean all of you. This one goes out to:
-The Current Mommies: Love each and every one of your little bastards as much as possible, every single day.
-The Expecting Mommies: With your hands gently caressing the ever-growing bump holding your tiny miracle.
-The Hopeful Mommies: Waiting what seems like forever for those two little blue lines through misty, hopeful eyes.
-The Bereaving Mommies: May your sweet Angel baby(ies) watch over you and keep you strong on this day.
-The Single Dads/Mister Mommies: Whether you’re sharing it with your male counterpart, or rocking it solo- you go, Glen Cocoa…
-My Role Model Mommies: Thank you so dearly for the love and support, and for treating me as if I were your own.
–The Big Sisters Who Had To Play Mommies: Because it really is the most important job in the world
Cheers to each and every single one of you. Whether you planned it or not, whether you brought them into this world (and can take them back out!) or were blessed with the opportunity to give a tiny creation the life its birth mother could not… Love is not conditional- it knows no boundaries, abides by no laws. The only thing blood has to do with it is its fueling of the heart which stores your love.
And, lastly, here’s to the ones who did try their best… Whose rough and tumble lives took a very different turn than they may have expected. Who may not have wanted this, not at first, maybe not a few times in the past 23 years. Though years of deception and unspoken words may separate us, there will always be that single, unbreakable thread that will remain long after both of us are gone. Happy Mother’s Day to both my parents- thanks for not leaving me in a dumpster somewhere…