Come on God, Teach Me How to Lizard!

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Remember when Duolingo taught me how to call someone a potato in the sexiest way possible? Oye vey! I was fairly certain that, at that point, I’d seen it all. There was nothing in the Spanish to English translation game that could surprise me anymore. I should have known better…

Here I am, just casually perusing Pinterest (in the way that one “casually” snorts four lines of coke– violently, losing all sense of the passage of time, and more often than not, their pants) when I come across a Pin that depicts a guy doing pushups off a bench with his ankles on a girl’s shoulders as she does squats. Now that’s what I’m talking about! Consigning my original search for leatherworking to oblivion, I opened the article and was immediately disappointed. “16 Ejercicios Que Puedes Hacer Para Ponerte En Forma Con Tu Pareja”. Umm, what? Despite my short-lived employment at a heavily-hispanic employed establishment and being predominantly hispanic (yes, really) myself, my Spanish vocabulary is a bit, err, non-existent limited…

But here comes Google Translate to the Rescue! “16 Exercises You Can Do To Get In Shape With Your Partner”- makes sense. And the very first one is… Lizards besuconas?*

Couples workout

Umm… sure. I figured there must have just been a typo in this first one. Besides, the only thing she’s exercising there is restraint. I’m not going to get a rocking bod lying like a corpse. Next, please!

Now that’s more like it, I think to myself. Man, I can already feel the burn. I wonder what they call– 

Right… I mean, I don’t have a bible handy, but I’m pretty sure “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Quads” wasn’t covered under the 10 Commandments. Speaking of coveting, though…

Now that’s what I call [s]quad goals! The idea of actually pulling this borderline soft porn core routine off, paired with the witty Tumblr comment (relatable much?) is almost enough to overlook the eerily evocative “this does motivate” translation.  And if by motivate you mean “boner city”, then yeah, that guy looks pretty motivated. How else do you think she’s hanging on like that?

In all seriousness though, some of the routines did look interesting, despite/due to the fact that most of them involved kissing and/or low-key humping. I could sit here all day spouting commentary, but my abs hurts just looking at these and I need to start getting ready for the therapy session I’m obviously in desperate need of. Feel free to have a look yourself, though. And if any of my spanish-fluent friends could please explain to me what the fuck “lizarding” is…

…I’d really appreciate it…

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*It turns out besuconas translates to “kisses”. Still not sure on the lizard bit, though…