Last night, as I was lying in bed, teetering on the cusp of reality and dream, I felt the rare tides of pure, genuine inspiration nipping at my feet, urging me to get out of bed. Shooting off signals in my brain to tell my hands to reach for the nearest available method of documenting thought, and let the stream of conscious flow uninhibited. There was something yearning to be said- a pressure begging release. And I’m telling you, I came this close to getting out of bed and doing it. But I just couldn’t. Because I didn’t have the energy.
I don’t know what to say, guys. Because the things I want to say are things like:
- I got the call the other day that I met the criteria for diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, and was therefore accepted into DBT. Which starts in 13 days. As in less than two weeks. Holy tits.
And I’m trying my best to focus on not panicking over the weight of this setting in. So I’m devoting this screen of my phone as a sort of “self-care” kit. So far it’s just the “Stop, Breathe, Think” meditiation app (I’ve an affinity for mood/progress tracking apps!*) and the daunting countdown timer. The Wizard Otter (Otter Wizard? Wozzard?!) does help make it feel slightly less terrifying. I know I at least vaguely alluded to it in last week’s post, but to come outright and say it, I’m realizing I could very well be coming up on the most challenging time of my life. Considering what I’ve gone through already, the thought makes me want to hide forever. Trying to remind myself that good is coming of this battle though. This is one I can win, because I’m not fighting alone anymore…
- I don’t feel so completely “alone” anymore. I’m slowly but surely meeting people I feel comfortable being completely, wholly, and unapologetically myself with. I’ve been struggling all my life for a sense of identity, and I’ve largely documented that journey in writing. I’ve finally grown confident enough to be more open, more raw– jabbed at the perfectionist monster trying to wiggle its way through the bars of its cranial dungeon and tested out the strength of my own voice. And I know it’s soft yet, but I also know some of you out there can hear me, and I seriously swear to you I cannot put to words how much it means to me to think I may be able to impart some tiny nugget of wisdom, sliver of hope, or at least give you a good neck stretch while you’re shaking your head back and forth slowly and counting to 10 whilst pinching the bridge of your nose. (Kind of like you want to now, realizing this post is going nowhere).
- I think it’s okay to have big dreams. Don’t worry now- I’m not going to get all Matt Foley on you up in here.** It’s just that, the other day I found myself in a situation where I shared that my numero uno “life goal” is to be a jazz/swing lounge singer (and esteemed writer, of course). I found myself regretting my decision before the words were out of my mouth. My face burning hot with embarrassment, I filled several minutes with incessant, starry eyed babble before incessantly fangirling over Haley Reinhart (I believe in giving credit where credit is due). And I can’t tell if the person caught in the splash zone of my passionate episode reacted at all, because I was too busy hiding my face in shame as I imagined them jeering at me before patting me on the head with a “you’re cute though”.
- So many countless other thoughts I’m incapable of articulating.
But that’s not how it’s supposed to be done. I’m supposed to come up with something really funny that will make people say how clever I am, or come up with some really beautiful analogy, so I’ll come off profound and dignified- like a real writer. Or at least share something super impressive I did lately, but “made it through the workday without crying” doesn’t tend to get noted on performance reviews. But that’s all I’ve got to show for the past week. Frankly most of it has been and continues to be a dissociative blur, so all my energy today has been spent fighting thoughts threatening to escape from the Rabbit Hole.
But I had one spoon left, and I wanted to let you all know I’m as okay as I know how to be right now. I’ll do my best to continue posting once each week, but please don’t take any upcoming silence as a cause of concern. Just gone fishing for more spoons, is all.
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*How about you guys? Have a favorite “self-care” app? (Yes, Neko Atsume counts!)