WWYVW: What Would Your Vagina Want?

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After an emotionally volatile 48 hours and an amazing therapy session this morning, I was feeling pretty positive about things. I was fully prepared to write up an update on how things are going, and pass on what tidbit of newly found wisdom I have to the all of four of you that actually read this. But then in my obligatory procrastination, I stumbled across this on Facebook.

I’ve probably stared blankly at my screen for the past 20 minutes now, trying to come up with a way to even remotely convey the reaction I had to this ad. Really though, I think that in itself says it– bafflement to the point of being at a loss for words. I couldn’t begin to guess at what analytics Facebook uses for their suggested posts. Maybe it’s my notorious history for getting involved in toxic relationships. Maybe’s it’s because I use the word vagina far too liberally (and generally inappropriately). Maybe it’s because I was re-re-reading’s Bekah Rigby’s blog post about her vagina being on a diet, and asking that you stop offering it cake (because it’s hilarious, and a girl’s gotta keep her vaginasaurus full)*

Now I generally try to avoid posts with blatantly click-bait titles– unless there’s cats involved. Which I mean, arguably… *ahem* Anyway! As they say: “curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back”. If not satisfaction, my vagina and I wanted answers, at the least. So I caved and decided to check out Sustain Natural’s website. And instead of answers, I instantly had more questions.

Like, a lot more questions…

So I delved further into the rabbit hole that was this apparently not-so-serendipitous find, my morbid curiosity turning a deeper shade of “what the actual fuck” with each consecutive click. After being told to “think with my vagina” (which sounds like a damned good way to perpetuate my streak of aforementioned toxic relationships, so no thanks…) my panty hamster and I were beginning to feel a bit played for a sucker.** Surely this Snatch 22 couldn’t get any more bizarre?!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! “Vagina friendly” lube that is both vegan and gluten.fucking.freeThank the Gods, because since acquiring a job in a primarily farm-to-table market, the only things I’ve been missing to complete my metamorphosis into a full blown filthy hipster is an ironic mustache, a pair of suspenders, and a gluten free diet for my vagina. And here I’d laughed when at work, an older gentleman, commenting about a jar of pickles, said they’ll market anything as being “gluten free” nowadays, wouldn’t they? Yes… yes apparently they will…

In their defense, the company does use fair trade latex and organic cotton (because of course they do), and 10% of profits go to women’s healthcare organizations which, all jokes aside, is pretty cool of them. I have to say that I was tempted to check out their line of feminine products (seeing as how that’s the only straw getting stuck in this juicebox anytime soon), if only for the opportunity to say my vagina was organic before it was cool. But alas…

There’s a joke in there somewhere, but my tampon tunnel and I are spent. Better get some good sleep tonight, because I’ll almost assuredly wake up to a lawsuit from Sustain Natural tomorrow. That or they’ll hire me on to their marketing team. And I think it’s safe that’s what all our vaginas would want…

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*Vaginasaurus: A thesaurus comprised entirely of synonyms for the word vagina. Not a vagina dinosaur. That would just be weird.

**Not a euphemism and/or innuendo.


  1. // Reply

    This is the first time I’ve read anything on your blog. So now there are five of us readers and I’m maybe the first guy. A female friend shared this and I found your approach both informative and funny. I’d love to get my hands on a copy of your Vaginasaurus. I’m sure it would be very interesting…to read.

  2. // Reply

    There’s something you don’t see everyday. Facebook certainly does have a very interesting choice of ads. Their not so subtle approach to covering all bases has seemed to reach an all time high. It will be interesting to see if Sustain Natural does in fact contact you. I think you’d make an excellent marketing agent. All that aside, I’m​ really glad that therapy went well and positively is again on the forefront. I look forward to the next glimpse into your wonderful mind!

    1. // Reply

      That would certainly be serendipitous if it were to work out that way, though I don’t think I could in good conscience (or with a straight face) promote a gluten free vagina diet. Just saying. But hey, like they say– to each his own, no? Things are in fact going pretty well, but I’m still at that interim point where I feel there isn’t a *whole* lot to update on (that I’m at liberty to disclose just yet) and this just completely baffled me so I couldn’t help but share. A lot of my posts have to deal with my own journey (though I’m hoping to start sharing others’). I thought I’d break from the norm and give us all a laugh and help remind us all that there are stranger, more inexplicable things out there than us…

  3. // Reply

    Gluten. Free. *rolls around on the floor holding brain in from the stupidity* What’s worse, people probably fall for that since it’s a huge marketing trend these days (I’ve seen deli meat and other meat products listed as ‘gluten free’. Nothing like playing to ignorant consumers). Also lol at “Vagina friendly” in that list, as if that wasn’t the basis of all their bizarre advertisement for their product.

    1. // Reply

      Right?! I stayed the night at a friend’s, and this morning we were eating waffles and their peanut butter said “vegan and gluten free” and I was like, “does that mean I can stick it in my vagina, then?” xD

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