Introspection and Anachronisms

,

I have so much I wish to share with you all, but due to a variety of reasons, I’m unable to disclose more just yet. Rest assured though, big, exciting, and slightly completely terrifying changes are coming. To the select few I’ve shared my plans with, I am endlessly grateful for your continued support, encouragement, and vicarious excitement. I know I won’t get so lucky when it’s time to make the big announcement. There’s always the naysayer(s), who is/are hellbent on, for reasons I’ll never understand, trying to squander your plans. Because how dare you show so much unbridled passion for something so unconventional.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from my 25 years on this planet, it’s that I was quite clearly cut from a different cloth than the vast majority. I’m made of stardust from a different galaxy entirely, it seems, and I’m just doing my best to take in all the world has to offer and give back however I can, being the anachronistic thing that I am. Life is deliciously unpredictable, and I’m doing my best to embrace my role in the chaos. Riding along with the ebb and flow of time and circumstance can be quite lulling- safe. It’s when we take that leap of faith- that heart stopping moment when we catch ourselves free-falling after having shaken up the snow globe, that the world seems to pause, tipped on its axis just enough to forgo logic. But I digress…

Sometimes you just have something that touches you- speaks to you in ways that your damned broken brain simply can’t finagle words for. And you want to, need to share it with the world, in hopes that it might reach someone else who needs it. This is one of those times, and this is one of those things.

“And it’s funny how I imagined
That I could win this, win this fight
But maybe it isn’t all that funny
That I’ve been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it’s funny
If I wanna live before I die
And maybe it’s funniest of all
To think I’ll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be”

So this is for you. You, who have been fighting all your life. You, who know that if we can’t laugh at ourselves, then the rest of the world will do it for us anyway, so we may as well join the party. Life is too short for boring, and we beautiful, broken people understand that. To quote David Jones:

“It is both a blessing
And a curse
To feel everything
So very deeply.”

I was trying to explain this feeling to a friend the other day, and I like to think we all get the pleasure of experiencing it, if only once in a great while. That feeling, you see, where the world seems to pause for just a moment, as if you’ve been encased in a snow globe. And you feel like you’re breathing this new air for the first time- completely overwhelmed at the awe of it all. That, despite every single obstacle, every hurdle, every crippling thing we perceive as “defects”, we. are. still. here.

I genuinely wish I could fashion it in a more eloquent way, so as to go down in the history books as the one epiphany to cure all ails. But I can’t. I wish I had the answers as to why it’s so hard some days, why it all seems so overwhelming, why us, why you, why me? Just why?! I don’t know why. Sometimes I wish I did. But I do know that every once in a blue moon I get that indescribable feeling swelling within me, where I’m able to perk my chin up, look myself in the eyes under the multi-color array of positive affirmations, and say “I love you,” and really, actually mean it. I hope you find yours, today.