I Can’t Order Food, But I Can Fuck Your Bitch [En Español]

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At risk of coming off as abhorrent strictly for the sake of doing so [which regular followers by now know isn’t unheard of by any measure] I present to you the inspiration for today’s title, should you have better things to do with your time than to have previously familiarized yourself with mildly offensive “Thug Life” YouTube video compilations. (NSFW due to language! And yet you’re on here…)

And now onto today’s business…

Spanish! ¡Español! The language of amor– or apparently, botín. Booty?! Believe me, I was struck aghast as well. Here I was, playing around on Duolingo, trying to see what good these “lingots” I kept getting awarded were. Turns out you can use them to unlock things like timed practices, progress quizzes, or if you manage to save up 30, you can learn “bonus skills”. I saved my pennies (or virtual red gems, rather) and pondered for a moment between “Flirting” and “Idioms and Proverbs”, ultimately deciding to get my Rrrrico Suave on. In retrospect, I should have gone with the other option, because El burro acorazado caws en la medianoche sounds way more profound than its English translation which I totally didn’t just make up. Brandon says that’s not how proverbs work, but he also just asked me how to say “potato dog” in Spanish, so clearly we’ve reached an impasse.

But where were we? Ah, yes! Running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you’re up there.* Flirting! That’s where it is. Everyone’s familiar with cheesy pickup lines, be it from the receiving end or (Gods forbid) the giving end. While there was of course the requisite “Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?” and “Can I get your number?”, I have to admit some of them, while not exactly rousing up a good swoon, left me, well… speechless, really…

I might yet, cause that sort of makes me want to punch you in the dick…

As some of you may recall, not only did I do some time in jail, but I liked it. Given that my warrant only stated I was guilty of “causing mischief”, I suppose it could be argued that I went for jail for being too sexy. I mean, let’s face it- that was clearly too much Fox for Faire to handle… ;D

Believe it or not, though, most ladies don’t generally appreciate lewd adulation- preferring something that appeals more on an intellectual level. I’m presuming that’s what the developers of this portion were aiming for, but the execution falls a bit- err, short.

 

Implying that anyone reads the Terms of Service anymore?

I was beginning to feel like I was speaking to Tech Support agent whose first language clearly isn’t English though he calls himself “Dave”. Not that I’ve been victim of atrocious attempts at flattery by Tech Support agents, but I have had my share of unwanted attention from potential customers when I worked in Tech. But that’s a story for another day…

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Needing a break from all this, uh, seductive Spanish teachings, I decided to go back and focus on something that is absolutely never and in no possible way could ever be sexualized. Food. Apparently though my mind was still stuck on coquette mode, because even simple phrases came out translated suggestively.

 

Accurate representation of me trying to flirt…

Now I’m really worried that the next time we go to Los Amigos for tacos, I’ll try my hand at ordering in Spanish (because that’s not horribly offensive) and accidentally call the waiter a potato or something. Best case scenario he realizes I really am predominantly Mexican and just really, really, white, intolerant to spicy food, and incapable of socializing appropriately. Worst case scenario, they try to kick me out before I get my tacos, presuming I’ve had one too many. And in a desperate attempt to save the situation, I’ll throw him one of these:

New best case scenario, they let me get my tacos in a to-go box before calling the police. Worst case scenario, my bilingual linguistic allure causes him to fall irrevocably in love with me, throwing me over his shoulder while he calls for his midnight-cawing donkey, riding us off into the sunset where we will undoubtedly live out our lives on a farm, where I’ll be forced to take care of our fourteen children as he develops an uncontrollable drinking problem, and we’ll have to put down the donkey because we can’t afford to feed it after he gambles off all our money and eventually he’ll realize I’m only repeating the same seven phrases in Spanish, at which point he’ll call the police and I’ll be on my way to jail, deprived of delicious tacos once more, the whole cruel thing coming full circle…

I totally don’t mean that in a racist way, either. This is actually how I imagine my life will play out, regardless of my Zorro-Masked suitor’s race. I’m really banking on the bit about the tacos, though…

Until next time…

Ciao…

*If you didn’t catch the reference(s), please do yourself the favor of looking up Eddie Izzard’s “Dressed to Kill”. You’re welcome.

Translations for Those Of You Too Lazy to Use Google and/or Too Enamored/Enraged With Me at the Moment:
botín = booty
El burro acorazado caws en la medianoche = The armored donkey caws at midnight
Ciao = Goodbye in Italian. Eddie Izzard demonstration sold separately.