A few weeks back, I sent a former coworker and friend of mine a link to my post about when I totally almost began my inevitable career as a trick turner. “Okay lady-dude. Stop beating yourself up”, he’d replied. My first instinct was to roll my eyes and sigh. Clearly he didn’t realize that I was simply admitting my defeat and announcing my decision to fold the shit-show of a hand life has dealt me. There wasn’t much hope of drawing anything useful in my future.
So naturally when I felt the impact, the screeching of metal crushing, acrid air filling my lungs as I was jostled back and forth for what felt like eternity, I couldn’t process the situation at first. It took a second for me to realize we’d just been rear-ended. A quick glimpse at the culprit’s crumpled hood along with the force of impact was clear evidence that she never so much as tapped the breaks. Confusion gave way to fear, which led to panic, and ultimately shock. All my paranoia of vehicular transport had finally come to fruition.
“This is it,” I thought to myself. “I’m going to die.”
There was no life support, no rushing to get me into an MRI to see the inevitable hemorrhaging. Perhaps by some miracle, or perhaps by the utter incompetence of the hospital staff I’d grown to detest over far too many visits, I was discharged with pain medication for the whiplash, and sent on my way. I spent a good portion of the day in a toxic slew of rage and disbelief. I’d already been through what I consider to be damned well more than enough. So why this now? Why me?
It’s been a week now since the accident, and I’m still kicking, so I guess that’s something. I’ve had a fair share of ups and downs since– days where I felt on top of the world, and days when I felt I was scraping the bottom of the barrel. It’s easy for me, for any of us I think, to focus on the negative. I won’t pretend that I don’t still (and won’t continue to, on occasion) sulk over things which I have no control over. But I’m doing my best.
I may never know why I am the way I am, and why the things that happen to me happen. And that’s okay. I’ve spent too much of my life dwelling, fretting, and stressing over my setbacks. Instead of “Why me? Why now?” I find myself thinking, “Why not me? Why not now?”
It’s amazing what a simple change in perspective can do…