The Cardio Princess vs. The Big Poppa

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This morning at the gym, a stereotypical “Cardio Princess” stood behind me, thumbs flying across the screen of her phone as I took the 40 pound bar from a hanging clean position, up to a press, and back down again. As I sat the bar down, I caught her glancing at me in the mirror. I gave a slight nod and polite smile, to be friendly. I was baffled when she scrunched up her face, curling her upper lip in disgust. Even though Lords of Acid was blaring in my ears, I could make out a clearly audible scoff. She acted insulted.

While normally my mind would begin its self-sabotaging ritual, wondering what was so wrong with me that I should elicit such a response, something struck me– a sort of epiphany if you will, brought on by my newfound exploration into the world of socializing.

Maybe she’s just a cunt…

So let me get a few things straight here.

  • When you wake up in the morning with a hangover, I’m waking up with DOMS.
  • While you’re doing your hair and makeup, I’m loading up my gym bag.
  • When you try to decide which pair of shoes best matches your outfit, I’m lacing up the same old Sauconys.
  • While you’re choosing which “Heading to the Gym” selfie to upload, I’m loading up my Blender Bottle.
  • When you climb into your G6 for the 10 minute drive, I hop onto my Trek 820 for the 35 minute ride.
  • While you’re cruising 5 over with the flow of traffic, I’m fighting against a 5 mile per hour headwind.
  • When you’re inhaling a hit of nicotine, I’m hitting a puff from my inhaler.
  • While you’re basking in your AC, I’m dripping sweat, thinking “fuck me.”
  • When you walk into the gym with your oversized beach bag, I walk in with my helmet in my hand.
  • While you spritz yourself with Chanel No. 5, I swipe on some more Old Spice.
  • When you put on a third layer of lip gloss, I put on my robe and wizard hat*
  • While you look at pictures of flat-stomached girls on Tumblr for motivation, I listen to CT Fletcher yell at me.
  • When you’re headed for one of the many ellipticals, I’m making a beeline for the coveted free weights.
  • While you hum along to T-Pain and Whiz Khalifa, I’m enjoying Fred Astaire, Glen Miller, Sinatra.
  • When you’re watching MTV on the flat screen, I’m watching my form in the mirror.
  • While you painstakingly adjust your messy bun, I carefully adjust my grip on the bar.
  • When you’re sending out texts, I’m busting out reps.
  • While you’re wiping down your machine, I’m wiping sweat from my eyes.
  • When your workout’s done and over with, I still have the 6 mile trek home.
  • While you leave the gym looking as pristine as when you arrived, I leave a sore and sweaty mess.
  • When you tell yourself “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”, I’m eating enough for a small army.
  • While you try to get as small as possible, I’m working on getting bigger.
  • When you stress over the number on the scale, I’m admiring my non-scale victories.
  • While you want to look like a Victoria Secret Model, I look up to women like Erin Stern.
  • When you’re pushing up your cleavage, I’m flexing up my biceps.
  • While you’re running in circles, I’m making progress.

Because I care more about my performance than my appearance.
Because I know this isn’t a quick fix, but a lifestyle change.
Because I know that the “lifting makes women bulky” myth is bullshit.
Because I know the joys of a 3,000 calorie diet.
Because I love my body and I want to treat it right.
Because I want to see just how hard I can push myself.
Because I see sweat stains as an accomplishment.
Because nothing tastes as good as victory feels.
Because I’m willing to do what you aren’t willing to do.
Because strong is the new sexy.

Because I choose to be a BEAST, and not a bitch.

-drops mic-

*Kudos of you who actually understand this reference and didn’t ask yourselves if I seriously wore a fucking robe and wizard hat to work out. Not saying that I wouldn’t though, because I totally would…

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