The Day I Became A Prostitute…


It hasn’t happened yet, but don’t get discouraged; I’m quickly running out of feasible career alternatives. So really, at this rate it’s only a matter of time. Remember that bit about jinxing myself? Well I managed to make it a whole week at my new job before throwing in the proverbial towel, and nearly throwing out my literal back. Turns out climbing a 15 foot rolling ladder while juggling 40 pound boxes half your size isn’t the best way to overcome a fear of heights. Or dying.

Brandon’s been nothing but supportive, giving me the ole’, “you gave it your best, kid”. But it sucks a bag of dicks when “your best” is a record 7 days of adulting before you literally can’t even (and ultimately accept that sucking bags of dicks may in fact be your calling). In typical amazingly supportive and encouraging boyfriend fashion, he shared this with me on Facebook. Basically it lists all these wildly successful people who didn’t reach their dreams (in most cases) until mid-life. It’s never too late to achieve your dreams! Call within the next 15 minutes and we’ll throw in this convenient carrying case to hold all your wasted years– FREE!

While intended as inspirational, I basically took it as “Buckle Up, Bitch. These people are all way more functional than you, and it took them getting fucked by life for this long without a courtesy reach around.” In other words, I’m looking at another 24 years, at least, before I come close to even realizing my dreams. Unless my dream happens to be owning 47 cats.

Nevermind, Brandon says no… :c

I guess the moral of the story is that I need to stop beating myself up. Not bashing my shins into ladder rungs is a good start, I suppose. I’ve got to learn to give myself credit for my victories, however small. Any day that I manage to put pants on is a successful one. Actually, that’s debatable, seeing how pants are a necessary prerequisite to going outside, and I like neither of those things.

I guess I’ll put the prostitution prospect on the back burner… for now. Because if we’re being honest, my real dream is to be a pimp. Specifically this Mac Daddy that we saw cruising by in a beach town today. Choo choo, cool cat. Choo choo…

Brandon: “You want to be a middle aged guy puffing on a pipe in a beret and glasses while riding a bike?”

Me: “Fucking duh! Are you telling me you don’t?!


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